Musings
2/24/25
Creation date. A.M.
At work. Post french vanilla. Thinking about what. Not much. Unfinished conversations. Open-ended feelings. Brief interactions. Travel and credit card points and cleaning my room. Friends. I think it's good to minimize, so what is this for?
2/25/25
P.M.
In bed. Post ice cream. You're thinking about socks and creating space. Transforming spaces. You're thinking about change. You're thinking about all the times you've disagreed with someone and how lovely that can be. about the tip of your tongue and all the secret thoughts that live there. about being excited for a new book in a series when you were still a child. printing off the green slips at the bookstore and stuffing them in your pocket. worrying you were printing too many and someone might tell you off. ink and paper and "how can i help you today?"
2/27/25
P.M.
At work. Post iced latte. Thinking about the great to-do list and what it must feel like to check everything off of it. Eighth grade turning in my science project late and Mr. Wu taking off so many marks for lateness to prepare me for high school. I felt so bad for disappointing him. I remember the great anxiety, the looming over everythingness of it. I remember turning in an art project and losing marks for it being unfinished - I hadn't coloured it in. I explained to the teacher that I preferred it black and white. It didn't get me back the marks but I didn't want him to think I was just a lazy so and so. It was a drawing of the water bottle on my desk, complete with shadow. I was proud of that drawing. I hope I do more things that make myself proud this year. Things that would've made 13 year old me proud too.
3/6/25
P.M.
At work. You wonder how you could ever get bored of anything at all. You walk down your street and do it again three hours later and find it's changed already. You have an hour that feels so, so full, and maybe nothing happens but really everything is happening all of the time. You feel weightless, then heavy, happy and sad at the same time, you're full of rage and joy and longing and you're pulled like the tomcat toward the pie on the windowsill. Then you sit down and for a second something tells you you're bored, but no you're raring to go and have been for the longest time. What's the verb to laugh without asking yourself if it's earned? Act without recourse. It's not an abandon, it's not anything you really know how to talk about or write about or crack wise about, but maybe something you can hold hands and dance about. Why delineate? It's so rare to celebrate we ought to all do it more often with as many people and in as many ways as possible! You want to speak plainly but the plainest thing you can muster is a big goofy smile on your face!
10/19/25
P.M.
At work. Bad weekend but just in feeling. Life is good. Right. Day off. Clean your room. Go to the gym. Drink coffee and nap and watch wrestling. Yeah. Feelings linger and you talk them out once, twice, three times but there's always more in than out. You hope next weekend you feel more on than off. More like driving in a straight line than a zigzag. You zig, god zags. What's your god at the end of the day when you've no jokes left to make or fucks left to give? Still I want to hear back but I don't want to ever front again and nothing is more appealing than the wind that takes away all the small and big things like a good doctor does. Grace offers a seat at her table in the instrument closet which I softly decline and somehow end up at that same table. Yes, I've heard back enough times. You zig, god zags.
10/20/25
A.M.
At work. You talk too much. Say everything you're thinking if you could. Nothing bad to say, just alot. Too much. Drive yourself crazy. Tongue and cowlicks wagging out the window. You've lost another bout so decide to tattoo yourself. You're at the mall with a one-way friend and everybody loves her ink, asks her what the clouds mean. Nothing, I just like the way they look. You'd be the first to be bothered by anything you're so sensitive. Remember sliding into the rain on that right-turn and feeling embarrassed? Be like water. Socks on carpet. Love on monday. I'm all parts of the hm yeah I know.
10/21/25
A.M.
At work. You think you'll get a coffee soon. You were so ready to fall back asleep. To stay in bed all day. So ready to put life on hold and disconnect the phone. Catch it unawares. Now you're highlighting and bookmarking. Copy-pasting and updating. It's called a way to get through the day. Remember having projects. Remember when you said one physical, one academic, one creative. Joined the choir, the law society, the gym. They didn't want you for sortball but you showed up and put on your shorts. Years on and you barely engage with your own body. Some quiet that would rather leave things to time. You're on the phone with a dear friend saying - hm yeah I know - and barely that.
10/28/25
A.M.
At work. To the last sips of your iced latte. She called it a masterpiece this morning. Thanks ma. You're alright eh. More than okay. Better than yesterday, hopefully worse than you'll be tomorrow. You're thinking about 1970, thinking about learning Spanish, about long, uninterrupted walks to nowhere. Hot streak. Thinking about the colours of your handkerchief - whatever that's supposed to mean. Cruising? I don't know, never watched it. Oh, you want to read a book? Let's talk about that some more. I confuse interest for intellect. I confuse my yeses and my nos sometimes - the ones in my head. My own non-binary. Big ego with little self-esteem. I feel great but wake up with a dry mouth every day and that's gotta be something (I pray it's not!) It's more fun to think about things sometimes than to do them - although I like to make things happen - I like to serve - some waves crash on the shore, some never make it that far - there's always more in than out.